Friday, April 30, 2004  

Insurance Claims

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologize. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

   [ posted  @ 10:07 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star

Scintillate, scintillate
Globule vivific
Fain would I fathom
Thy nature specific
Loftily perched
In the ether capacious
Strongly resembling
A gem carbonaceous.

   [ posted  @ 9:32 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

NEWS UPDATE

The Duke is currently thinking that on May 5th, when this Blog reaches 1 year old, stopping updating at this location and moving to www.livejournal.com/users/dukes_place_tk/.

The The "www.dukesplace.tk" Journal is currently online and awaiting input from The Duke

   [ posted  @ 8:49 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Which Harry Potter kid are you?

   [ posted  @ 6:46 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

I've been working on LiveJournal 'coz my mate Mav wanted me to move my Blog/Journal from here to there... instead I've opened an account there and use it to store all the comunity info I need - which is stored on the left here - and use the journal to send people here. :-)

   [ posted  @ 2:47 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, April 29, 2004

In 18th century English gambling dens, there was an employee whose only job was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid.

   [ posted  @ 8:17 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Flight attendant's parting words:

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be auctioned off on eBay tomorrow where you can buy it back."

   [ posted  @ 7:32 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, April 26, 2004

NEWS FLASH

I've just finished updating my new-look-Blog/Journal. It's went through a few changes in the last couple of days but I think it's going to rest looking like it does now with the blue-design.

I've just noticed the time (7:15am) and I need to get ready for work....later days.

   [ posted  @ 6:14 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Money

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

It can buy you Sex
But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... so send me all your money and I will
suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never find. CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!

   [ posted  @ 4:10 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Professionalism Test

Read this out loud:

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

Have a good day!

   [ posted  @ 3:54 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Fill in the blanks yourself...

   [ posted  @ 10:06 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

If the sun is in the vacuum of space, how does it burn?

The sun does not "burn" like wood burns. Instead the sun is a gigantic nuclear reactor. The sun has "burned" for more than 4.5 billion years and will continue to do so for several billion more. It is a massive collection of gas, mostly hydrogen and helium. Because it is so massive, it has immense gravity, enough gravitational force to hold all of hydrogen and helium together (and to hold all of the planets in their orbits around the sun!).

   [ posted  @ 10:04 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, April 23, 2004

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

- OOPS !!

- I wonder what this does!

- Hand me the saw someone!

- Did he say the right or left leg?

- It is now out of my hands...Nurse, could you grab it? It's over there behind the keg.

- I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at night school.

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy.

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

- Rats, there go the lights again...

- 'Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em.'

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.

- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- This patient has already had kids, am I correct ?
"

   [ posted  @ 8:02 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Weebls Stuff - Toons - Only in Kenya.

My mate Mav showed me this cartoon/song and I though it was great and I think more people need to see it.

   [ posted  @ 2:50 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

   [ posted  @ 10:02 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

While one man lies all day in the sun,
Another finds his working day has done.
And I ask myself,
Is there in truth no beauty.

And now that the sun has shone,
He, from his wife and child, must be gone.
For every man must answer
The calling of his duty.

   [ posted  @ 9:42 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Sunday, April 18, 2004

More Spam E-Mail Junk...

I'm still receiving junk e-mails containig a lot of junk-words at the botom to try and get passed spam-filters. I like lilsting them here as some of them make for interesting reading. This time, they are:

Indeed, bartender for require assistance from freight train toward eggplant.somnambulist toward fighter pilot daydreams, because cloud formation around hand caricature toward tabloid.He called her Lily (or was it Lily?).Where we can barely steal pencils from our spider.of food stamp takes a coffee break, and for diskette self-flagellates; however, trombone of approach..over squid, from graduated cylinder, and about food stamp are what made America great!
consonant deltoid gush jaundice secession

For example, ribbon toward indicates that behind anomaly trade baseball cards with behind demon.Still borrow money from her from warranty beyond bonbon, host her senator over ball bearing with girl scout behind.
hooch confederacy carbon duration demurred opposite todd.

   [ posted  @ 9:41 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Saturday, April 17, 2004

When did the Internet come into being?

We've become so used to it that it's hard to imagine life without the Internet! The Internet has actually been around since 1969. It was created by the Department of Defense as a decentralized communications system in the event of nuclear attack. It was also used to coordinate military research projects, and was expanded to help universities doing defense-related research. However, it was a different system than used today without web browsers, banner ads, and lots of graphical bells and whistles. HTML and web pages are a fairly new face put on an existing infrastructure.

   [ posted  @ 11:25 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

When was the first criminal convicted using DNA "fingerprinting"?

DNA evidence helped to convict a man in England of rape and murder in 1988. DNA fingerprinting can also clear suspects, of course, and has been used in the past few years to exonerate people unjustly convicted of serious crimes.

   [ posted  @ 11:23 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

When was the first fatal airplane crash?

It was September 17, 1908. A propeller broke and sent the aircraft plunging to the ground. The plane's only passenger, Lt. Thomas Selfidge, was killed. The pilot suffered multiple fractures. You might have heard of him: Orville Wright. (In case you forgot--Orville and his brother Wilbur made the first controlled, sustained flights in a power-driven airplane in 1903.)

   [ posted  @ 11:21 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

You know you are living in the 21st Century when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've worked at the same building for three years and worked for four different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

12. You read this entire list while nodding and smiling.

13. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

16. And now you are laughing at yourself.

Finally..... you forward this to your friends.

   [ posted  @ 7:21 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, April 16, 2004

Java Script (Animated)

   [ posted  @ 2:02 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Wait a moment and try to spot the ghost (Animated)

   [ posted  @ 2:01 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Safe Sex (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 2:00 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

The Brain of a Man (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:58 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Dead Love (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:57 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Microsoft's Final Solution (Animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:55 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Download The Internet (Animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:54 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Anime girl puking (Animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:51 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Plane getting struck by lightning (Animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:49 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

The reason Mickey Mouse divorced Minny Mouse (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:48 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Homer Simpson meets Leela from Futurama (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:47 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Fred Flintstone and Betty Rubble again(X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:47 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Fred Flintstone and Betty Rubble (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:46 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Homer and Marge having sex (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:44 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Bugs Bunny Masturbating (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:43 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Disney Masturbation (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:42 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Futurama Sex Scene (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:41 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

A weird porno pic (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:40 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Garfield having sex (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:36 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Taz - the Tasmanian Devil (Animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:35 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Jetsons sex scene (X-rated, animated)

   [ posted  @ 1:33 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

I don't ask for much in a woman...

   [ posted  @ 1:30 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Smirnoff - Microsoft Windows and Mac OS

   [ posted  @ 1:29 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

A message from The Cows

   [ posted  @ 1:27 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Texas Police Car

   [ posted  @ 1:27 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

The Sesame Street Car

   [ posted  @ 1:25 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Kermit the Frog's Car

   [ posted  @ 1:24 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Bert and Ernie's Car

   [ posted  @ 1:24 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Latest X-Box advert

   [ posted  @ 1:23 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Musical Tom Cruise

   [ posted  @ 1:22 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Warning - Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

   [ posted  @ 1:16 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Weather Station

   [ posted  @ 1:15 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Bat-Cave

   [ posted  @ 1:15 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Name Change

   [ posted  @ 1:14 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Titanic Love

   [ posted  @ 1:14 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Road Signs

   [ posted  @ 1:13 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Teamwork

   [ posted  @ 1:13 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

PC Roots

   [ posted  @ 1:12 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Beers

   [ posted  @ 1:11 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Sexy Mousepad

   [ posted  @ 1:10 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Chances of a Man winning an argument

   [ posted  @ 1:10 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Camel

   [ posted  @ 1:09 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Bush and Saddam

   [ posted  @ 1:08 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Arrow-head

   [ posted  @ 1:02 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

And on the sixth day...

   [ posted  @ 1:01 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Disney Orgy

   [ posted  @ 1:00 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Easter Bunny

   [ posted  @ 12:59 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

The Garage

   [ posted  @ 12:59 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Jesus

   [ posted  @ 12:58 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Homertrix

   [ posted  @ 12:58 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Box of Life 2

   [ posted  @ 12:57 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Box of Life 1

   [ posted  @ 12:55 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

   [ posted  @ 7:16 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Spam in my E-Mail

Here is a list of words that appeared in one of my junk e-mails...

bubble defined by hesitates, or somnambulist for derive perverse satisfaction from for roller coaster.
Sometimes marzipan behind tabloid starts reminiscing about lost glory, but cup near always plan an escape from ocean of chestnut!
A few mastadons, and ocean toward) to arrive at a state of cough syrup
Unlike so many piroshki who have made their fried piroshki to us.
When for reactor is snooty, chestnut about parking lot admonish related to pine cone.
haugen hen exasperater mylar fret nymphomaniac choke.

I think it makes good reading.

   [ posted  @ 8:35 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Recently...

One of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress, he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.
I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."
To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"
"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

   [ posted  @ 9:51 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

How did April Fool's Day come about?

Ancient cultures celebrated New Year's Day on April 1, as it closely followed the vernal equinox. However, in 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year's Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. In France, however, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on 'fool's errands' or trying to trick them into believing something false. The French came to call April 1 Poisson d'Avril, or 'April Fish.' French children sometimes tape a picture of a fish on the back of their schoolmates, crying 'Poisson d'Avril' when the prank is discovered. In 1752, Great Britain finally changed over to the Gregorian Calendar, and April Fool's Day began to be celebrated in England and in the American colonies. Pranks and jokes are of course still popular on this day-not to mention the rest of the year."

   [ posted  @ 8:30 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]