Saturday, January 17, 2004  

The Rules

We always hear The Rules from the Female side.

Now here are The Rules from the Male side.

These are our Rules!

Learn to work the toilet seat.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you.  Live with it.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work.  Strong hints do not work.  Obvious hints do not work.  Just say it!

We don't remember dates.  Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.  Remind us frequently beforehand.

YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.  We refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry we meant the other one.

Let us ogle.  We are going to look anyway; it's a genetic requirement.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the adverts.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.  Get over it and quit whining to your friends.

All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.  We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

We are not mind readers and we never will be.  Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

   [ posted  @ 11:27 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

So...

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

   [ posted  @ 9:42 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Pathetic Pornographer

Toronto police arrested Walter Nowakowski, 35, in November on several pornography counts as well as theft of services after an officer spotted him driving the wrong way on a one-way street at 5 a.m. According to police, Nowakowski was pantsless, with a laptop computer running in the front seat, as he drove slowly down streets in search of wireless Internet signals that he could use to download pornography.

   [ posted  @ 1:07 AM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, January 02, 2004

God's Will?

Brian Lawrence, 38, died of a heart attack five days before he was due in court to answer the charge that he and his girlfriend had had sex in New York City's St. Patrick's Cathedral in August 2002 as part of a radio station's stunt.

At least 39 Hindu pilgrims were killed in a stampede of crowds while waiting to ritually bathe their sins away in the holy Godavari River in western India.

Eight people on a 16-day sightseeing tour sponsored by their First Baptist Church of Eldorado, Texas, were killed when their bus slammed into a tractor-trailer.

   [ posted  @ 12:14 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Happy New Year

I was planning on using this space for a big New Year greeting but I just read something that I think more people need to know about...

According to the newpaper entitled Sierra Sun (Lake Tahoe), dated August 27 2003, a man miraculously survived an accidental fall from a ladder onto an 18-inch-long auger bit firmly locked into his drill, penetrating his right eye, nudging his brain, and exiting above his ear (Truckee, California).

So I hope you have a good time and a happy 2004.

   [ posted  @ 8:36 PM ] Comments-[ comments.]